Monster Dick
by Chokopoppo
Summary: Jimmy's sense of morality went like this: theft of any object, person, or relationship was totally okay, as long as the person he was stealing it from didn't want it as much as he did.


Jimmy and Devi weren't so much friends as they weren't not-friends, which was about as close to friendship as either of them got in college. As far as Jimmy was concerned, that made them Best Friends. Which meant, he was pretty sure, he could pry into any facet of her life with a pretty reasonable assumption that she'd tell him anything.

He was shocked, _shocked_ , when she refused to spill the beans on the elusive "boyfriend situation".

"Whatever, I'm fucking this guy from my psychology class, would you just _drop it_ already, Reeds," she snapped back at him over the table in the commons, mouth full of burger and resentment.

"Yeah, I think I've seen that guy around," Jimmy tried, "but, are you, like, you know, are you _dating_ him, like, monographically speaking, you know -"

"I don't know! I guess! Maybe!" She flicked her hair, and her earrings jingled resentfully as she swallowed. "Dude, what- _ev_ -er, it doesn't matter or anything."

"Does too matter! Who is he? What's his name?"

She sighed and slumped against the back of her chair, hard. "Edgar," she said, finally, "Edgar _Vargas_. He always says it like that, I don't know why. He's smart, I guess, in a weird way." She paused to take a long, studious sip out of her juicebox. College was all about smuggling juiceboxes into places they didn't belong. "I don't even know what his _major_ is," she added, wrinkling her nose, "we never talk about _anything_. It's so _weird._ "

"Why are you even still…" Jimmy wrinkled his nose back, leaned in, made scare-quotes with his fingers. " _'Dating'_ him, then, anyway?"

"Two words, dude," she deadpanned, wiping her fingers with a napkin, "monster dick. Anyway, I gotta go study. Tenna needs me, or she's gonna get distracted. You coming or not?"

"Nah, I need to finish my, uh…" He looked down at his plate. "My _ancient grease_. Get it? Ey?"

"You're _so_ gonna fail this test, Reeds," she said, shaking her head. The little skulls hanging from her ears shook disapprovingly, too. "Later."

She should never have mentioned Vargas to him, he thought, watching her cross the floor of the foodcourt.

She _definitely_ should not have mentioned the dick.

* * *

Jimmy's sense of morality went like this: theft of any object, relationship, or person was totally okay, as long as the person he was stealing it from didn't want it as much as he did.

Look, he'd been watching Vargas for a hell of a lot longer than Devi had been. Probably. He couldn't actually guarantee that, but he'd definitely had his eye on that Choice Vargas Personality for longer than Devi'd had a class with him, so that definitely counted for something. Up until two days ago, he hadn't known this guy's name, but he knew how he took his coffee (black with two sugars), which of his hoodies was his favorite (the dark red "STANFORD" one), the book he got all fucked up about and cried over (ROOM, by Emma Donoghue), and how many times that semester alone he'd skipped his math class (four - and it was the only class he skipped). Devi didn't even know what his _major_ was (he was a double-major in ancient literature and physical therapy). Jimmy deserved this relationship WAY more than she did.

Unfortunately, random tidbits of information did not an actual understanding of someone else as a person make. It also didn't really help as a seduction tactic. Jimmy's first attempt at a conversation with Edgar crashed hard, maybe because they were both drunk, maybe because it started with "SO I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF." Not the sexiest pickup line.

The next encounter, in the library, didn't go so well either, and was equally misshapen by Jimmy's inability to stop imbibing alcohol, like, all the time. "So Devi says you have a monster dick," he started, throwing himself into the chair across the table from Edgar.

"Bye," his companion said, and promptly fucked off.

Third time's the charm. Probably. It was the bus stop, six in the evening, maybe a week later, and they were alone. Jimmy actually lived on campus, but he wasn't going to pass up the chance to figure out where Edgar lived. That wasn't creepy as long as you didn't think about it. He sidled up next to Edgar. This was it. Last chance. "So, hey, Vargas," he started.

"You have _ten seconds_ to say something worth my time, Jimmy Reeds," he snapped, and Jimmy almost jumped. "Yeah, okay, I know who you are, I have acknowledged your presence, can you go back to throwing paper airplanes at Johnny instead because I have had it up to _here_ with this shit."

"Get coffee with me," Jimmy said, "and tell me about ROOM."

To his credit, Edgar only looked mildly shocked. And he quickly recovered, sighed, and rubbed his temples with his palm. "If I get coffee with you, will you promise to just…leave me alone?"

"No," he replied, "I like you way too much. You go on a date with me, and it turns out I hate you, I'll leave you alone."

"You realize Devi and I are _dating_ , right?" He said, and fixed Jimmy with a tired glare. "Isn't she your friend?"

"Yeah," Jimmy said, nodding. "But I don't care."

"Why?"

"Because I want you," he said, and swallowed, and suddenly felt kind of breathless. He hadn't ever said anything like that out loud, ever.

Edgar stared at him, and shook his head, and sighed. "Fine. There's a…place downtown. It does coffee. I don't know. Whatever."

Fucking success.

Still no word on the monster dick, though. Investigate further.


End file.
